I’m not sure if I’m allergic to something in the air of the new building I’m working in or if it’s seasonal.
But during the workweek, it’s fucking crazy.
My skin gets real dry (even though in the cooler months, I moisturize the FUCK out of my skin) and I start itching like a crackhead.
look cute be the boss when you’re itching like a crackhead.
But then the weekend comes and by Monday, my face is baby smooth again.
But then the cycle repeats.
I don’t know what the hell is going on.My dermatologist is useless.
The last time I went to my dermatologist and told him my problems, he put on a thoughtful expression and said, “Well Dana, what do you think is wrong?”
I said, “Uh..that’s what the fuck I’m paying YOU for…”
I raised a shit storm in that office.
It ended with me demanding my co-pay back and they eventually gave it.
I don’t play around when it comes to a service I’m paying good money for.
My mother is always like, “Why don’t you come see the dermatologist I use, she’s wonderful!”
“Mom, one bad egg..”
“What…what does that mean?”
“You know…one bad egg ruins the rest…something like that. Look, mom, he tainted all doctors for me so no thank you”
“But your fathers a doctor”, she pointed out.
“Mom, c’mon, you know what I mean..”
So the dermatologist is out but I figure a good steam is the next best thing.
Remove all the toxins and stuff the natural way.
The way God intended.
So I headed to the womens gym down the street from me because they have a good thing going on.
Walked into the locker room and there’s nobody in there.
Just the way I like it.
Peeked around the corner at the steam room and the steam is already on.
So far, so good.
Sometimes I go in there and it’s not on and then it takes fucking forever to get up to speed but this time, not only is it on, it’s cranking.
Mm hmm. 2 thumbs up.
When it comes to steaming, you don’t need much instruction.
They have a bin of towels nearby, a water station to left of that and a sign above the door to the steamroom that says in big, black letters; ‘No Nudity Allowed’.
So I shed my clothes, have a quick peek at myself in the full length mirror because I’m conceited like that and head to the steamroom.
I go inside and immediately, sitting right next to the door, is a woman, completely fucking naked.
She’s got her legs spread real wide and she’s looking right at me.
Hair fucking everywhere.
Looking like Stephen Kings, Delores Claiborne.
If she crossed her legs, she’d probably start a fire.
No towel in sight.
So I’m like, “Uh, ok…?”
I go to sit down, trying not to make eye contact and the first words out of her mouth..
This woman…she goes, “It’s just us…”
I would have burst out laughing if it wasn’t so creepy but all I could think was, “Really??”
I sit down but then instantly get up to crank the dial a few more notches.
So now there’s this thick cloud of steam, right?
It’s hot as fuck but that’s ok because now I can’t see her anymore.
There’s like this divider of steam which is exactly what I wanted so I don’t have to sit there staring at my feet.
After about 90 secs the steam starts to dissipate and as it does, appearing out of the mist, is this woman.
Standing up, like…
Like, if you took a picture of somebody mid jumping-jack, except their feet were on the floor and bent at the knee a little.
And the arms were out like Bruce Lee before a fight…that’s this woman.
And she’s doing this heavy breathing and I’m just like…
I don’t know.
It’s like, lady, what are you DOING?!?
Wha..what’s wrong with you??
The steam’s gonna get you, you don’t have to do this slow turning, karate shit, alright?
How about some fucking etiquette around here…
So then she leaves and I’m like, thank God she’s fucking gone.
I actually start laughing at how ridiculous this whole thing is but then I catch myself and sort of made like I’m coughing in case she was around the corner listening or some shit.
Anyway she leaves and I start to relax.
But then I see her locker key is still there and it’s like, oh fuck, she’s coming back.
By the way she walked out naked.
Naked as a damn newborn.
She finally comes back but by this time, I’m done.
I’ve had enough for one night.
So I’m like, “Alright, have a good day.”
She goes, “Yeah, you too.”
And I immediately go into the shower.
Ice cold shower, because that’s what closes up the pores, you know?
Close up the pores, wash away all the toxins I just sweated out.
Hopefully help rectify whatever the fuck situation is going on with my skin…
I get out and who’s standing over there by the lockers, naked as hell with that hairy bush out.
Same fucking woman.
It’s like, alright look.
You can’t walk around like this is your house.
This is not your fucking house.
I mean, why don’t you just take a dump why you’re at it?
There’s just always that one person that’s gotta fuck it up.
There’s always gotta be someone throwing up at a party.
There’s always gottaa be someone peeing in the pool.
Someone walking around, nipples pointed straight downwards like we’re on a sailboat and it’s true north except they’re true south.
There’s always that one person.
So I’m back to eating salads.
Back to cleansing from the inside out.
Because this steam thing obviously isn’t going to work out.
Arugula & Peashoot Salad
What I Used.
3 cups fresh Arugula. 1 cup fresh Peashoots. 2 tbsp Dry Sherry. 2 tbsp Balsamic Vinegar. 1 tbsp Olive Oil. Salt. Pepper. Fresh Eggs. Crushed Red Pepper.
What I Did.
Mix the dressing with the arugula and peashoots and let sit for 5 mins.
Use this time to poach an egg.
Serve by placing the poached egg in the center of the salad and cracking black pepper and crushed red pepper over it.