So the balloons brought about the right reaction.
There was like 10 of us at dinner with these 1970’s-esque balloons hovering above.
Every time the waitress came by, she’d reach up and squeeze one.
Good fucking times.
The day after was equally effortless.
Woke up, not hungover and watched episodes of The Chapelle Show on and off throughout the day.
Sundays are the best days ever.
In between episodes though, all these KFC commercials kept playing. Not saying anything but just saying…
You guys seen these KFC commercials?
They’ve got one where the parents are all stressed out because their 2 bratty kids won’t sit still at the dinner table.
So they get them this fucking chicken.
Like as soon as the mom puts it on the table, the kids immediately sit down and just start wolfing this thing down.
Silence. Chaos eliminated.
Just like that.
Do you realize they’re basically saying you have to drug your children to get them to behave.
I mean, what happened to parents?
That you have to give them …this food crack, in order to keep them under control.
I mean for the love of God..
They’re basically saying that kids are so ridiculous that these people have to go down to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I say the word chicken very loosely, they have to go down there, feed them this…whatever it is that’s in that bucket, in order to get their kids to calm down.
KFC chicken… I just keep thinking, this thing doesn’t have a beak. It doesn’t have feet.
Its fucking breast are sticking out like the cast of Jersey Shore.
In my world, that’s not a fucking chicken.
You eat a regular fucking chicken, first of all it’s gonna look like a pigeon to you.
Because we’re so used to seeing those roided up ones that they have on murderers row in the supermarket.
When I was in Lake Tahoe a few years ago, we went down to one the farmers market and I said I wanted an all natural chicken.
He goes, “All natural?”
And I said all natural.
So he walked us around the corner.
And it’s sitting over there, lonely. Looking like a fucking dove.
He goes, “Right there. That one right there is 100% natural, nothings wrong with it.”
And I was like, wait a min, that’s what a chicken is supposed to look like?
And he raised his eyebrows and put his lips together so they kinda formed a straight line and then he nodded.
Alright, I said. Show me the oysters.
So he takes me to the ice bin of oysters and while we were sorting through them, he starts telling me about this recipe.
He goes, “You want to mix like a ½ cup Brown Sugar in with a ½ cup Bourbon, 2 sticks of butter, couple of chili peppers and lots of garlic. Let it sit for a while in the fridge until you’re ready for ’em, then shuck these oysters and put them on the grill with a spoon of this butter.”
Bourbon, chili peppers, oysters…?
“Cook them on med-high heat for a lil bit, then let it cool for a bit, you don’t want to burn yourself now. Grab a beer and tuck in.”
He did that tight-lipped nod again and I started to feel like it was a code for something.
What else are you trying to tell me sir??
I was picking up some ‘all natural’ chicken thighs over the weekend and had a quick flashback to this guy and this oyster bourbon recipe.
And I thought, eh why not? They’ve got oysters here too.
People, these are some of the best oysters you’ll ever eat although the ingredient proportions he gave me were all wrong.
They work if you’re trying to make this for 25 people but if it’s all about you like it should be, go with my edits because I’m telling you, this is all sorts of right.
When you’re ready to take a break from cocktail sauce, this is where you go.
Bourbon & Oysters
What I Used.
Couple Dozen Oysters. ½ cup R1 Rye Bourbon. ½ cup Brown Sugar. 4 tbsp Butter. 1 Thai Red Pepper (minced). 1 tbsp Minced Garlic.
What I Did.
It will look a bit lumpy but don’t worry about it.
Place in fridge to integrate for about 1 hour.
Now for the oysters…
Get a thick kitchen towel or put on some tear-proof gloves and just start shucking.
It’s totally ok if you lose some oyster juice in the process too. The butter will make up for it.
Don’t do this.
If you don’t have a grill, pre-heat the broiler, use your head.
Place the oysters on a foil lined baking tray and broil them with the door cracked until the butter starts to bubble.
Set aside to cool for a little while you make a drink.