Guacamole

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The thing with women is, you gotta keep them calm.
They’re like a stray dog, they freak out about everything.

You gotta talk to them gently, tell them it’s gonna be ok, give them something to eat, nod attentively while you slowly spike their drink…

Nah I’m just kidding.
We all know it’s never ok. 

 

A couple days ago my friend called me over because she thought he bf was going to break up with her.
She felt he was acting ‘differently’.

Swear to God, women – why are we constantly mind fucking ourselves?
You mind fuck the guy but never yourself.
That’s like trying to play Jenga in the dark.

So whatever, I went over and she’s freaking out.
The more she talked, the more in her head she got.

She’s busy deep thinking and hypothesizing and I’m busy making this guacamole, telling her to calm down while simultaneously asking her to grab a big bowl.

 

By the time it had gotten to the, “I don’t think I can have this conversation with him over the phone, I need to drive up tonight or I won’t sleep!” point, I’d moved us out to the front balcony with this bowl of guac and some chips.

The more she dipped in, the less anxious she became.

 

I’m telling you, something about guacamole just calms women the fuck down.

Like you can’t help but crowd your mouth with it.
You just shut the fuck up.

And she did.
We slowly changed topics, while steadily eating this bomb ass guacamole.
By the time we were 2/3 of the way in – she was ready to hop in the pool.

For the rest of the day she pretty much forgot about her phone and when she checked it before I left, he’d sent some mushy, I love you shit and all was right in the world again.

 

So there you have it people.
You wanna keep your woman calm?
Make guacamole.

 

 

 

 

Guacamole

 

What I Used

½ Habanero Pepper (roughly chopped). 1 cup Chopped Cilantro. 2 tbsp Olive Oil. ¼ cup Diced Red Onion. 3-4 Avocados. Salt. Pepper.

What I Did 

Put the everything but the avocado in a food processor/small blender.
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Blend until smooth, adding a little more olive oil if needed.

Cut the avocado into thick pieces and place in a large bowl.
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Empty the contents of the blender into the bowl.
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Integrate into the avocado using a large spoon.
Use the back of the spoon to mash up the avocado pieces.

Mix well together until you achieve the texture you like.
Serve with chips to a distraught woman.
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67 thoughts on “Guacamole

  1. I agree. Something about avocado makes me simmer down. I was in a funk yesterday afternoon so I decided I would put an entire avocado on top of my one little burger. My mouth was so busy enjoying the creaminess that I didn’t care about shit anymore. Rock on!

  2. “That’s like trying to play Jenga in the dark.” That’s note worthy right there!

    Ironically, I just finished making a list of ingredients to make guacamole again. David and I have gone through our spell of no avocados and think we are now ready to indulge again… I’ve been really restless and “mind-fucking” myself this week. You have enlightened me as to why I’m going to eat guac again!

    Is that a Bullet food processor?

  3. Oh well, I usually drink beer on the rare occasions I actually get anxious. I’ve never tried guacamole. I actually didn’t have an idea what this shit was up until a couple of years ago.

    It’s no surprise I don’t because here at my region people eat totally different things and guacamole would sound so far out to them that I can’t even explain it to you. This is also the reason I haven’t commented on any of your food posts – I love the things you cook and read all the recipes just out of curiosity but haven’t tried them, ever, and I probably couldn’t try them in the near future because the ingredients you use are non-present in our markets, at all.

    For instance, avocado is still looked down on like some crazy bullshit that no one here would use to cook with. I’m serious. Not to mention that people use mostly traditional and self-made products, like Bulgarian sour milk (it’s the founding father of yogurt) or Bulgarian white pickled cheese. Most of the traditional recipes include them, as well. So I hope you can note that the gap between cultures, when it comes to food, is endless.

    Maybe I should post some traditional recipe on my blog, if you’re interested in foreign traditional cuisine. My man is very conservative when it comes to food so I cook mostly traditional, and also make my own yogurt and cheese. 🙂

    1. Oh wow!
      I didn’t realize there was such a variation by region.

      Like what do you consider a snack? What’s your version of guacamole?
      What does a healthy salad consist of?
      Are you in a meat heavy region or seafood heavy?

      I’m now curious what you guys cook, even if I can’t make it, def throw up a recipe on your blog 🙂

      1. A snack for us is a version of sandwich – we call it printsesa (literally a princess) and it’s very easy and general to make. There are some varieties – princess with spread minced meat on top, princess with a spread consisting of grated white cheese (feta will do) and eggs whisked together, princess with a traditional tomato/pepper spread, sprinkled with grated cheese, etc. Note: all the princesses have to be baked in the oven.
        Our version of guacamole is not exactly near, but it’s a traditional dip called katuk. It’s traditionally made from sour milk (read yogurt) and grated white cheese left to ferment together to the final state of katuk. In some regions of the country people add dill, minced garlic and/or sesame. We use it for salad sauce, for a plain dip for croutons and traditional pastry, or we just eat it as is. I prefer the latter.
        Our healthy salad consists of tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, peppers and grated cheese. Other healthy salad for us is cut (not ripped by hand) lettuce, green onions, cucumbers and grated hard boiled eggs. All salads are to be seasoned with salt, oil and vinegar to one’s personal taste.
        Our country is definitely meat heavy. We have a seashore but sea food is common just for the seashore cities. The inland consumes meat to the most, and if I have to be specific – minced meat. Most of our traditional dishes use minced meat.
        I’ll have some recipes for you on the blog ASAP. 🙂

  4. It’s like a soft green blanket with which we women (and blokes if they so choose) can wrap ourselves up in at times of emotional upheaval. Right now I curse the two unripe avo’s in my fruit bowl, I curse them. Loved this post. You shall henceforth be known as Guacamole Woman, you will hear cries of distressed women throughout the nation and fly to their side armed with a a ginormous bowl of your delicious looking Guac.

    1. Hahaha!!
      The key is to make it at their house…so they can continue to shovel that green magic in their little mouths long after your gone.
      She just happened to have all the ingredients 😀

  5. Hahaha! I swear you’re in my head at times. I just had this conversation with my friend. Women can overanalyze just about anything. I’m guilty of this with my job. I need to get out of my head. My remedy…wine. LOL. Guacamole’s a good cure as well! Glad you were able to calm your friend down. I have a feeling you could do that with anything YOU cook. Yum Yum!

  6. I fucking love your food stories, because every meal really does have a story! Your blog just makes my day… And, I LOVE guacamole. I eat it by the bowl – sometimes, with veggies or just alone. I cannot wait to try this recipe!

  7. OMG, you totally read my mind. How in the world did you know that I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE guacamole?!? It’s the reason I live…almost. However, by reading your post, I discovered a hidden talent of the famed guacamole… it shuts people the hell up! What a concept. I’m immediately printing this recipe and making tons of this stuff. Now, mind you, I can’t cook that well, so those that do eat it will be at their own risk! Ya know, either way…the ending goal is the same…everyone shuts the F up LOL! This post made me laugh…hard.

  8. I LOVEEEEEEE AVOCADO but of course you know this already! My goodness, now I wish all I had was an avocado fgor lunch instead of a fruit salad. Which really annoys me because WHO THE FLIP HAS A FREAKING FRUIT SALAD FOR LUNCH! argh I am so annoyed with myself because I was too lazy to do anything about lunch options , but guac!! I love this guacamole and the story behind it! Hhaha sounds like what I may need to make for my friend, she lost her cat and well… freaking out and all, going over to have a look with her all over the streets! The things we do for friends we love! ha! Especially women because that´s how we are built – freak land! We indeed mind fuck ourselves into freaking oblivion. Someone has to get us out of that! Guacamole yes, i believe my friend might also need this!
    Women would totally bring world peace with just a delicious bowl of homemade guacamole. haha
    xxxx

      1. hhaaa now that I think about it, I think you are right! On another note, I NEED to buy a quick and easy food processor like THAT, I normally mash my avocado with a fork. LOL

  9. Can’t stop laughing, i love this post…food always calms me down, doesn’t matter what it is, it just has to be bad and delicious like nachos and guacamole or a massive burger or some fried chicken, haha you get what i mean…x

    1. Just a liiiiitle bit.
      Although I heard this piece on NPR that since most of our avocados come form Mexico, it has become a huge commodity there, testing the land and the farmers limits.
      It’s also sparked the interest of the cartel. They call it ‘green gold’.
      No lie, it was on NPR this Tues..
      :/

  10. Guacamole as a cure to relationship blues? I wonder what other Mexican foods can help cheer us up? Pipian for heartbreak? Enchiladas for sex problems? Hahaha…

      1. Hahaha.. I had to see the funny side.. I wonder.. Maybe you should give your friend Jamaican Rum Cake.. She’ll be quite merry with that.. Or some Ackee and saltfish-sunshine on a plate!!

      2. Hehehe.. If you weren’t far away I’d send you some.. But I can’t print my recipe.. Its a family secret.. My mum would kill me!! Ha!!

Go on, get it out..

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