The rest of us are gonna try and leave work early today to beat the holiday traffic.
In Boston, for big holidays like this, the city empties out as people flock either south, to Cape Cod and Martha’s Vineyard, or north, to New Hampshire and Maine.
It’s like a hurricane evacuation.
People are fucking gone.
Some of you are probably already in your cars, aren’t you?
You got your hands 10 and 2 on the wheel, like you’re supposed to?
Driving like a Nervous Nelly?
Question; have you ever been comfortable in a car with someone driving at 10 and 2?
Or 9 and 3?
7 and 11:23? Whatever the fucking latest study is.
Seriously, think about it.
Have you ever actually been comfortable with someone driving like that while you’re sitting in the passenger seat?
Like all that says to me is that you’re brand new at driving.
Or you’re lost.
Or you’ve been abducted and are forced to drive this car.
Basically you can’t get comfortable.
Which makes me uncomfortable.
10 and 2 and you start moving your head towards the windshield like, is that a meteorite…?
Forget, it’s fucking over.
Get me out of the car.
Oh yeah, so check this out.
I think I met the best Uber driver ever last night.
He is Armenian but he grew up in Russia.
I’m always fascinated by people that can fluently speak more than one language, simply because I can’t.
Anyway, we start talking and somehow, we get onto the subject of cursing.
I can hear you from here.
So we’re talking and I ask him, “hey how do you say go fuck yourself in Russian?”
And he’s like, ah in America, everything is about fuck!
Go fuck you, go fuck your mother, what the fuck is that, everything is about fuck!
In Russia, he says, instead of saying go fuck yourself, they say ‘go sit on dick’.
Which I like.
That sounds very Russian.
They have another one where they don’t call anyone a motherfucker.
They say ‘fuck your mother’.
Not like go have sex with your mom, but like fuck your mother for doing such a horrible job of raising this fucking asshole that the rest of us now have to deal with.
Which I really like.
It actually sounds way more intellectual than what we say around here.
We say shit like, “Man, fuck this asshole!”
But to say fuck your mother for doing such a lousy job of raising you that we now have to have this conversation…
I mean – I really liked that one.
He goes, The other day, I see this man, he’s 28 years old and he’s dressed like a child in the 1920s.
I’m like you mean Hipsters?
And he’s like, Yeah! This mans not fit to run a household, look at him! This man’s not a king!
This guy was fucking hilarious.
He had all sorts of opinions about us.
Seriously, one of the best Uber rides ever.
And speaking of leaders, I wanna talk about Donald Trump.
Real quick, real quick.
You guys all saw the announcement that Donald Trump is actually running for fucking president in the 2016 elections, right?
Did you see the way he drew it out?
“So I…….Donald Trump……… *death-stare at crowd*…………..am announcing……….*pause for effect*…….my candidacy………..for president………. of the -“
It’s like we got it Donald, we got it.
But then you listen to him talk…
The pretty much racist comments he made about immigrants, this guy…
He’s not a fucking politician.
He’s not our next president.
Who the fuck is going to vote for a deliberate racist??
I mean, for real though?
For real Donald??
We didn’t vote for you the last time you tried running, we sure as fuck not voting for you next year.
Come to think about it – he didn’t even make the g*ddamn primaries last time.
He was out of the race in like 3 months or something, wasn’t he?
Ah fuck it.
I hope he continues to get the shit kicked out of him.
I apologize for the political derailment.
I normally don’t get into that shit here, but then I found someone dumber than me and his name is Donald Trump.
Roasted Carrots with Honey & Feta Crumbles
What I Used.
A handful of Carrots. ¼ cup Feta Cheese Crumbles. 2 tbsp Pure Honey (substitute: Blue Agave or Maple Syrup). Olive Oil. Salt. Pepper.
What I Did.
I somehow got trapped in the Instagram rabbit hole and came across a picture that inspired this recipe.
It’s ridiculously easy.
Preheat the oven to 450F.
Rinse and shake out the carrots.
Then peel them, cutting the green stems off.
Pat-dry any excess water.
I wanted to see if I could preserve some of the green stems in the baking process so when I cut the green off, I left a few inches on.
It didn’t work.
They turned brown real quick.
So cut the whole stem the fuck off, alright?
Place them in the oven to roast for 30 mins or until they can be easily penetrated with a fork.
Remove from oven.