Last Sunday we had a random, impromptu house party.
You know one of those days where people just start showing up around the same time.
Next thing you know we got Diplo playing, there’s some ass shakin’, we’re picture taking…it’s still the weekend right?
The day goes on, it’s getting a little late and Frank, or Fabio, one of them decides to order pizza.
45 mins later, 5 boxes of pizza show up.
There’s all kinds of toppings and it smells heavenly.
Now I know I shouldn’t eat the pizza.
I’m lactose intolerant.
I know what cheese can do to me.
But what do I do?
I reach in and grab a slice.
Shit is fucking delicious.
I grab another one.
Couple hours later and I already don’t feel good.
That pizza is sitting in me like a goddamn boot.
So I mumble a few goodbyes and right as I’m headed downstairs it fucking hits me.
Right in my stomach like some capsule…
Like some time-release, CIA, you’re-gonna-shit-your-pants, fucking capsule went off.
And I know…
There is no question…
That whatever I just ate was not good for me and my body was about to reject it – one way or another.
I’m in the car like you gotta be shitting me.
No pun intended.
I know what’s gonna happen but I also know it’s not gonna happen for like 5 mins and coincidentally, I’m 10 mins away from home.
I look at the clock in my car, driving faster than I’ve ever driven in my life.
3 mins go by.
It gets worse.
5 mins go by.
6 mins go by.
7 mins go by and I’m questioning whether I can make it home.
Finally I was like you know what – FUCK. THIS.
I take a left and pull up to this Panera that I know stays open late
I fucking rush to the bathroom and I will spare you the details.
But you know how when something amazing happens they make a statue?
Something horrific happens, a lot of times they will preserve the area.
Like Deely Plaza.
Fucking president gets his brains blown out and all of a sudden we can’t change one blade of glass.
The horror that happened in that fucking bathroom ladies and gentlemen…
I never tell shit jokes but they should have retired that fucking bathroom.
Like that’s it, it’s over.
They should of air-sealed it and just put a glass fucking door.
So people could look in and realize why they closed that fucking Panera.
There was no strain people, no strain.
It took until Thursday before I was back to normal.
So if any of you were at the party and I said goodbye to you, just know that I was putting on one hell of a fucking show.
Alright for fucks sake, enough Dana.
When I recovered, I decided to make the kind of pizza I should of had.
A less stressful version, if you will.
I’ve been meaning to do something with chimchurri sauce again so I chose to make some and use that as the base of the pizzas in place of tomato sauce.
And since I had two pieces of naan bread, I made one purely vegetarian pizza and one with pancetta bits.
my half-assed version of a meat-lovers pizza.
For both of them, I substituted cheese with thickened coconut milk.
Personally, the one without the pancetta bits is my favorite.
The uninterrupted combination of the basil in the chimchurri sauce and the coconut milk ‘cheese’ was everythingggg but mother loves all her children…
Roasted Asparagus Pizza – 2-ways
What I Used
2 pieces Naan Bread. 1 handful Asparagus. 1 tbsp Minced Garlic. 2 tbsp Red Wine Vinegar. 2 cups Chopped Asparagus. 1 cup Chopped Basil. 1 Habenero Pepper (seeded). 1 cup Diced Pancetta Bits. 1 cup Coconut Milk. 1 tbsp Cornstarch (optional). Olive Oil. Salt. Pepper.
What I Did
Roast the asparagus first because it takes the longest:
Line a baking tray with tin foil and place the asparagus in it.
Lightly drizzle olive oil over the asparagus and sprinkle gently with salt and pepper.
Roast in the oven at 375F for about 20 mins or until the tips begin to char.
Roast at higher temp if you are using thicker asparagus.
Chimchurri is next:
Roughly chop the cilantro and basil.
Then add the cilantro, garlic, red wine and basil to a blender/food processor.
Drizzling in the ½ cup olive oil until the mixture is relatively smooth.
The texture of chimchuri varies person-person.
If I’m using it as a sauce, I prefer a smoother texture. If I’m using it as a topping, then I accept a coarser texture.
Coconut Sauce next; only for those who can’t stand cheese:
In a small sauce pan, heat 1 cup coconut milk under a med flame.
When boiling, reduce temperature and simmer under low heat.
And 1 tbsp butter and simmer for about 5 mins, stirring often.
If you choose, thicken the sauce up a bit by adding 1 tbsp cornstarch.
Whisk until smooth and set aside.
Set the oven to broil while you prep the pizza.
Drizzle olive oil on top of everything and place under the broiler for about 2 mins or until the edges of the naan begins to brown.
If you’re using cheese, broil until the cheese begins to bubble – keep an eye on things.
Remove from the broiler and let rest for a couple mins.