Roasted Asparagus Pizza – 2-ways

Roasted Asparagus Pizza and Fried Egg
You wanna hear a fucked up story?
Hmm?

 

Last Sunday we had a random, impromptu house party.
You know one of those days where people just start showing up around the same time.

Next thing you know we got Diplo playing, there’s some ass shakin’, we’re picture taking…it’s still the weekend right?

 

The day goes on, it’s getting a little late and Frank, or Fabio, one of them decides to order pizza.

45 mins later, 5 boxes of pizza show up.
There’s all kinds of toppings and it smells heavenly.

 

Now I know I shouldn’t eat the pizza.
I’m lactose intolerant.
know what cheese can do to me.

But what do I do?
I reach in and grab a slice.

Shit is fucking delicious.
I grab another one.

 

Couple hours later and I already don’t feel good.
That pizza is sitting in me like a goddamn boot.

 

So I mumble a few goodbyes and right as I’m headed downstairs it fucking hits me.

BOOM.

 

 

Right in my stomach like some capsule…
Like some time-release, CIA, you’re-gonna-shit-your-pants, fucking capsule went off.

And I know…

There is no question…
That whatever I just ate was not good for me and my body was about to reject it – one way or another.

 

I’m in the car like you gotta be shitting me.
No pun intended.

I know what’s gonna happen but I also know it’s not gonna happen for like 5 mins and coincidentally, I’m 10 mins away from home.

 

I look at the clock in my car, driving faster than I’ve ever driven in my life.

3 mins go by.
It gets worse.

5 mins go by.
6 mins go by.

 

7 mins go by and I’m questioning whether I can make it home.
Finally I was like you know what –     FUCK.    THIS.

 

I take a left and pull up to this Panera that I know stays open late
I fucking rush to the bathroom and I will spare you the details.

But you know how when something amazing happens they make a statue?

 

Something horrific happens, a lot of times they will preserve the area.
Like Deely Plaza.

Fucking president gets his brains blown out and all of a sudden we can’t change one blade of glass.

 

The horror that happened in that fucking bathroom ladies and gentlemen…

I never tell shit jokes but they should have retired that fucking bathroom.
Like that’s it, it’s over.

 

They should of air-sealed it and just put a glass fucking door.
So people could look in and realize why they closed that fucking Panera.

There was no strain people, no strain.

It took until Thursday before I was back to normal.

 

So if any of you were at the party and I said goodbye to you, just know that I was putting on one hell of a fucking show.

Alright for fucks sake, enough Dana.

 

 

When I recovered, I decided to make the kind of pizza I should of had.
A less stressful version, if you will.

 

I’ve been meaning to do something with chimchurri sauce again so I chose to make some and use that as the base of the pizzas in place of tomato sauce.

And since I had two pieces of naan bread, I made one purely vegetarian pizza and one with pancetta bits.
my half-assed version of a meat-lovers pizza.
For both of them, I substituted cheese with thickened coconut milk.

Personally, the one without the pancetta bits is my favorite.

The uninterrupted combination of the basil in the chimchurri sauce and the coconut milk ‘cheese’ was everythingggg but mother loves all her children…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Roasted Asparagus Pizza – 2-ways

 

What I Used

2 pieces Naan Bread. 1 handful Asparagus. 1 tbsp Minced Garlic. 2 tbsp Red Wine Vinegar. 2 cups Chopped Asparagus. 1 cup Chopped Basil. 1 Habenero Pepper (seeded). 1 cup Diced Pancetta Bits. 1 cup Coconut Milk. 1 tbsp Cornstarch (optional). Olive Oil. Salt. Pepper.

What I Did

Roast the asparagus first because it takes the longest:
Line a baking tray with tin foil and place the asparagus in it.
how_to_roast_asparagus
Lightly drizzle olive oil over the asparagus and sprinkle gently with salt and pepper.

Roast in the oven at 375F for about 20 mins or until the tips begin to char.
Roast at higher temp if you are using thicker asparagus.

When the asparagus is done, remove from oven and set aside.
Roasted_asparagus_recipes

 

Chimchurri is next:
Roughly chop the cilantro and basil.
Then add the cilantro, garlic, red wine and basil to a blender/food processor.
http://ivegotcake.comchimchurri_recipe
Blend.
Drizzling in the ½ cup olive oil until the mixture is relatively smooth.
The texture of chimchuri varies person-person.
If I’m using it as a sauce, I prefer a smoother texture. If I’m using it as a topping, then I accept a coarser texture.

Season with salt & pepper.
Set aside to sit at room temperature.
How_to_make_chimchurri_sauce

 

 

Coconut Sauce next; only for those who can’t stand cheese:

In a small sauce pan, heat 1 cup coconut milk under a med flame.
When boiling, reduce temperature and simmer under low heat.

And 1 tbsp butter and simmer for about 5 mins, stirring often.
If you choose, thicken the sauce up a bit by adding 1 tbsp cornstarch.
Whisk until smooth and set aside.

 

Set the oven to broil while you prep the pizza.

Using a knife, spread the pesto over the naan.
http://ivegotcake.com Vegetarian_pizza_recipes
Make sure to leave room on the edge so you can grab it later without getting messy.
No one likes a messy bitch.

Cut the asparagus in 3rds and layer it on top of the chimchurri.
Asparagus_pizza_recipes
Add whatever other toppings you want here, keeping them in the green. Dana_fashina_recipes Homemade_naan_pizza_recipes Pancetta_pizza_recipes

Then carefully spoon some of the coconut milk sauce on top – cheese for everyone else.
naan_vegetarian_pizza_recipes low_calorie_pizza_recipes

Drizzle olive oil on top of everything and place under the broiler for about 2 mins or until the edges of the naan begins to brown.
If you’re using cheese, broil until the cheese begins to bubble – keep an eye on things.

Remove from the broiler and let rest for a couple mins.

 

For the vegetarian one, fry an egg.
boston_food_bloggers http://ivegotcake.com Fried_egg_pizza

For the pancetta pizza, saute any remaining pancetta bits and place on top.
Low_calorie_homemade_pizza_recipes

 

 

Serve.

Dana_fashina_recipes http://ivegotcake.com Low_calorie_pizza_recipes http://ivegotcake.com
You won’t need many napkins.
It ain’t the oily type.
fried_eggs_recipes Fried_egg_pizza_recipes Boston_food_bloggers Vegetarian_pizza_naan_recipes http://ivegotcake.com Roasted Asparagus Pizza and Fried Egg

81 Comments

  1. So sorry about your unfortunate experience!! As delicious as cheese is, it can also be an incredibly shitty treat (pun intended) lol. On the other hand, this pizza right here looks so bomb! And I’d never heard of that “cheese” substitute before. I see how it won’t be “cheesy” per se but more “creamy”, still sounds super interesting. Might have to try it out soon.

    https://thevgcaesthetic.wordpress.com/

  2. I’m cackling. Your poor tummy. That poor Panera. Don’t know if I’ll ever look at a Panera the same. Maybe I’ll just tip my hat each time I walk past the potty.

    & niiiice pizzas. Is there anything better than naan pizza??? Let’s be real.

  3. I hope you feel better right now, one of the worst things can happen is having a tummy ache during party. But I can’t blame you the most delicious things are the most tempting.
    However this pizza looks really healthy especially the cheese substitute

  4. Haha your story was the best. I’m only now getting into cooking and I think I’ll try this pizza – healthier that my usual go-to late night snacks!

  5. Ha! Like that one time I had a “surprise” in traffic. You know, a fart with a lump in it. Or as I like to call them…sharts. Sometimes you just have to defile the nearest bathroom regardless of the catastrophe you know will be left behind after you’re long gone from the scene of the crime. LOL

  6. 1. I cannot believe the pictures you take. Seriously. I want to eat everything you ever post about, including pizza without cheese.
    2. I cannot believe you just put that story out there. Way to keep it really real.

    1. Hahahahaha!!
      Thank you so much!
      It’s funny because I debated on whether to tell you guys about this but I wanted to see if after I got through it, whether I could still bring you back to actually enjoying the recipe.
      Yay me, it worked!
      😀 😀

  7. Dayum, bitch, you’re trying to kill me, I swear!

    Now, laughter aside, just be careful with those stuff, ok? I suffer from some allergies – good memories from my asthma, and a major one is a cat allergy. Damn, the equivalent of your experience for me is to go stick my head in a fucking pussy, no pun intended.

    But I’d take your pizza anytime. Yums!

      1. Well at least you got me, but yeah, sticking my head into a pussy would be much better of a story than you eating two slices of pizza and closing a restaurant. Some real shit.

      2. I’m delighted that the old Southeastern-European fun factory still got it and it makes you laugh 😀

  8. OMG! What a terrible end of the night for you! I’m the same way with pizza! I’m so lactose intolerant but sometimes, even when I know better I still go for it and eat the diary. But boy do we pay for it! I totally felt your pain about trying to get home, not only is it embarrassing but then there is that odour! Ha! Things you would rather do in the privacy of your home.lol!
    Great recipes! I’ve never tried coconut milk instead of using cheese on a pizza, definitely something I need to give a try. Dang, you keep giving me some great recipe ideas!!

    xo, jackie
    stylemydreams.com

    1. Hahahah!
      Girl…it’s tough being us but I guess it helps keep our figure 😀
      And all you need to do if you decide to do coconut cream instead of cheese is thicken it.
      Like really thicken it and you’re good to go!
      With the basil chimchurri….EVERYTHINGGGG
      ❤ ❤

  9. I’m sorry you weren’t feeling well, that must have been something at that Panera Bread! Can you eat goats cheese? I had heard it doesn’t have the lactose that cows milk cheese does. Your pizzas look wonderful, I’d choose home made over delivery any day of the week.

    1. Thank you Eva!
      And I don’t know. I always rush to (over)consume my lactose pills whenever I eat the smallest amount of cheese (except of course in this situation – fuck my liiiife) so I honestly don’t know about Goat Cheese.

      I’ll give my stomach until the end of summer before I attempt to ‘experiment’ again 😀
      Hope you guys had a nice weekend babe!
      xoxo

  10. This story is awful and hilarious. So sorry. Whenever I see a Panera, I’ll think of you. I am also lactose and feel your pain. I’m loving your alternative solution to pizza. I never thought to use coconut milk. I might have to try that. These pizza look very gourmet and yummy!

    http://laceandpearlsblog.com

    1. Thanks lady, it was a traumatizing experience :/
      But yeah, coconut milk all the way babe! I don’t know WHAT cheese did that to me but it was one of those pizzas where there’s like 40 different type of cheese on it *smdh

  11. Oh my! I’ve had a few of these lately after just eating random things, not fun!!! Thank God you found a restaurant to pull in, I’ve wondered a few times what I’ll do if there’s no where to pull in to UGH!

  12. Well, that was a truly crappy experience. 😁 😱 I totally love the inventiveness of the coconut and the naan bread. The photos are bang on as well. That egg is magnificent.

  13. LOOOL. Ahh the schadenfreude. Your preceding story didn’t make me very hungry, but the recipe/food photos afterwards definitely did. The Pancetta Pizza looks like the move.

    Sorry you go so violently ill but glad you’re feeling better. x

  14. Ohhhhh sheeeeit…no pun intended…but I think everyone’s been there once or twice. In all seriousness, though, this asparagus pizza looks so delicious. How did you think to put an egg on top? I’ve never seen that before, but you can bet I’ll be trying it now. 🙂 🙂

    1. Yeah girl, a fried egg goes with everything. Trust me on this.
      I looked at the pizza output and was like, “eehhh….I need some color, green on green ain’t all that.” So a fried egg it was 😀

      1. I’ll have to remember that!! Now I just have to learn how to make a good fried egg because I always screw something up and end up with it scrambled instead haha

      2. Well, I like mine over-easy, so 75% of the time I break the yolk. But if I just fry the egg, sometimes the egg sticks to the pan, but if I add more butter, I feel like it burns too quickly…idk, I’m a hot mess haha

      3. So if you wanna keep the yolk in tact, here’s a neat trick I figured out after fucking it up 1 million, gaziliion, fafillion times:

        Put a lot of butter/oil in the pan and crack an egg in the pan when it’s hot.
        Lower the heat a leeeeeettle bit, tip the pan bit and using a spoon, scoop up some of the oil/melted butter and pour over the top of the egg.
        Can you picture what I’m saying?

        This is how you get away with cooking the yolk on top without having to flip or worry about breaking the egg./
        Keep cooking the egg, continously spooning the butter/oil on top of the egg yolk.
        When the bottom of the egg is lightly browned, you’re done.

        This basically gives your egg the over-easy texture without you ever having to flip.

        Try it and let me know how it went…

      4. Finally an egg frying machine!! All thanks to you (even though I’ll try not to be too embarrassed that I’m 23 and just now learning how to perfectly fry an egg 😀 )

  15. I’m both horrified and horribly amused by that story–when you say you’re LI, you mean it! It could have been worse though–at least you were able to get to a bathroom at all.

    I was just about to write that I never considered using chimichurri as a pizza sauce before, but as soon as I started typing I remembered that five(!) years ago we did as a riff on an Argentinian steakhouse pizza. The recipe I got the idea and recipe from is completely defunct, unfortunately, but maybe now I have to give it another go very soon.

    1. Yessss, do it!!
      I am CONSTANTLY underestimating chimchurri sauce and something about the integration with the coconut cream made it REMARKABLE!!
      I’m putting that shit (chimchurri) on everything nowadays!

  16. Damn, that waaas a fucked up story. NOBODY should really be eating cheese, really! It’s horrible… horribly delicious.

    This pizza looks good, though, and I have the ingredients – score!

  17. Haha Dana! come on you tell the story in a very funny way! Don’t hate mee! I do really feel bad, seriously I hope ur feeling better!! But this homemade NAN BREAD pizza looks so delicious! I love nan bread and I usually make sandwiches with it. Have to try this also! Love it

      1. I know! Ur such a funny and sweet girl! I wish I can meet you in person one day!
        About the Naan, not really I usually get it from Indian restaurants.

  18. What a story 😂😂 and that poor rest room….lol. On another note, I love your pizza….we use Naan or flour tortillas (for thin crust) all the time. I will have to give your version a try.

  19. Aaaaahhh Dana, I love the way you so effortlessly go from a horrific excretion story to a food recipe!! I’m lactose intolerant too! And erm, I just realised now that, that means cheese, I had just put it down to a milk thing and stay off full fat milk and go for Soya. But erm, I guess there is a correlation with milk and cheese, erm. No wonder I always feel bloated after cheese, but Feta doesnt count right? I gotta have that in my salads…X

    1. Hahahaha!!
      Yeah boo, cheese = lactose although they are some cheese that don’t have lactose in them.
      I don’t have the guts to go around experimenting though.
      Get it?

      I crack myself up

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