Almond & Peanut Butter Protein Balls

Last week I was on the train, headed to the gym and it wasn’t really crowded.

Like there were a bunch of people on the train but there was decent enough space between all of us to make everyone still feel comfortable.

So um.

 

So the train pulls up to a stop, people get off, people get on, and this guy gets on and sits next to me.

This old man, thin as a rail with an ‘I Love Jesus’ hat and khakis on.

 

So he’s sitting next to me and I see he’s reading this religious book and I see him underlining every fucking sentence in it and like writing shit down next to me.

I’m not uber religious or anything but I do believe in God so no big deal.

So anyway, this old man and I-
We’re like shoulder to shoulder on this train and I thought, “You know what? I bet he’s a great guy. I bet he’s a decent human being and reading this thing keeps him that way so God bless him, good for him.”

 

And right I end this positive thought, all of a sudden, this fucking guy lets out this old man fart that smelled like words can’t even describe!

Just imagine farting in an attic.

 

It was like moth balls, old toys and dirt.
Just the greatest generation fart of all time and I’m like oh my GOD!!!

I didn’t even try to hide it.
I literally said OH MY GOD and pulled my t-shirt over my nose.
And what does this guy say?

He doesn’t even address it.

I got another 15 mins on this train and he doesn’t even. Fucking. Address it.

 

It eventually goes away, like all farts do and I get back to whatever it is I’m doing that gets me through train rides.

 

Couple stops later – he does it again!
Just rips another one.

And I’m like Dude what the FUCK!?!!

I’m staring daggers at the side of his head and I know he can feel me staring right at him but he won’t fucking look at me.
And he’s still underlying all this shit from his Jesus book and I’m just sitting here like, you gotta be fucking kidding me!

 

Hard boiled eggs in a fucking outhouse.
Absolutely HORRIFIC.

 

And don’t even try to be like, well maybe it wasn’t him.
I fucking know it was him.

You know how I know it was him?

Because the smell was so fucking bad and he was the only one not reacting to any of it.

 

I don’t know if he was turning the other cheek like that book probably told him to do (no pun intended therebut I am 99% sure that it was him, that motherfucker.

 

Like this would be acceptable in a cross-country train, Boston to DC or some shit like that but we’re on a subway train that’s not all that crowded and I got about 7 mins left till my destination – this was un fucking acceptable.

 

We get to the next stop AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER  DOES IT AGAIN!!

 

THREE FUCKING TIMES!
At this point, I’ve been on this train for about 15 mins and now I gotta fucking fart.

So I’m like, Alright! You wanna play old man, you wanna DANCE!!?!

 

But I couldn’t get myself to fucking do it.

My body just wouldn’t produce more than a whisper.

 

And yeah I thought about changing seats but we were past that.

I was at the point where now I wanted him to fucking address it.
I needed him to fucking address it.

I don’t care if he fought in WWII!
If he wasn’t on the front line with a fucking flame thrower, fuck him.

 

And every time I looked at him like what the fuck is wrong with you, I’d see his I LOVE JESUS sign on the corner of his hat and have to restrain myself.

But I swear I wanted to fucking grab his throat and pull him towards me like listen you fucking piece of shit-
I’m onto you.
We both known goddamn well you’re the one causing this stink and if you don’t cut this shit out-

 

I swear to God after that third one I thought he shit his pants.

But if he shit himself, the goddman windows of the train would have fucking blown out-

Alright Dana, we get it!
Alright, alright.

 

 

 

 

 

Um.

 

So yeah these protein balls.

 

 

These protein balls are moreso for me than they are for you.

Because I’m back in the gym, squatting it out, building that booty, toning leg muscles and shit and nothing builds muscles better than protein.

And you want to build muscles because muscles burn more fat and burn it longer than just cardio and pilates.
Trust me on this.

 

A couple months ago, my best friend Keegan let me tag along with him to the gym and made me do a bazillion squats with a barbell of weights across my back.
I thought I was going to fucking DIE.

 

“15, 16, 17, 17, 17 -”
That’s fucking 19!
“That’s 17 cuz you’re not going all the way down.”
The fuck kinda math is that!?!
“Squat honey, go all the way down, c’mon.”
17, 18…

 

2 weeks of this HORSESHIT and my cellulite – gone.
Ass – high, and round as fuck, you’ve seen it.

And that’s because I’m building muscle.
Which is burning off the fat in that problem area  like a goddamn wildfire.

 

So I’m making him and the rest of the boys these protein balls.
For us to munch on as snacks during the day so we can kick some ass in the gym later.

Where I will probably repeat this old man story because it’s still bothering me.

 

This makes about 12 golf ball sized protein balls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peanut & Almond Butter Protein Balls

 

What I Used.

8 heaping tsp Protein Powder (I don’t picture mine because fuck them – they’re not paying me).  4 heaping tsp Flaxseed Powder. 8 tbsp Almond Butter. 8 tbsp Peanut Butter. 2 tbsp Blue Agave (substitute honey). Coconut Flakes for toppings (substitute cocoa or crushed nuts).

What I Did.

In a med bowl, mix together the protein powder, flaxseed powder, peanut butter and agave in a bowl.
http://ivegotcake.com http://ivegotcake.com
Roll tablespoons of the mixture in your hands to form balls.
I chose to make half with the Almond Butter and half with the Peanut Butter but you can mix and match if you’d like. 

 

Coat the balls in your choice of toppings
This helps them hold their shape and stop them from getting too sticky.
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Place them, spaced evenly apart on a sheet of wax paper.
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Let’s get the Rye out the way.
Dana_fashina_blogger
When done, refrigerate for 30 minutes to harden a bit.
Store in an airtight container.

 

Peanut_butter_recipes
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They last about a week.
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82 thoughts on “Almond & Peanut Butter Protein Balls

  1. I really can’t with you… LMAO!
    And now that I’ve gotten my laughing out of the way (hilarious but I felt your pain), I will be making these balls and squatting my life cos as you rightly pointed it out….yes…we’ve seen it and I want a booty that won’t quit; Just. Like. Yours.
    I may or may not send you a picture as my images just don’t like as clean.
    The end.

  2. ‘Turn the other cheek’ …..guffaw, I started to laugh out loud and had to suppress the giggles as The Yak is in lullaby land. Actually, I was so transported (geddit?) to the story that I started to almost smell it myself and began to feel a little sick. 😖 Now, to the balls Cake, I am on a get fit (not fat) campaign, am trying to exercise EVERY day (this makes me sad and angry) but have never used protein powder. Does it taste weird or no taste at all?

    1. That would make me sad too…I only do 5 days myself because I’m literally a lost cause on weekends.

      Protein powder almost always comes flavored. It’s typical to mix it in and do smoothie or something like that but I just put a couple scoops in a workout water bottle, add some soymilk or almond milk, 4/5 ice cubes – shake that shit up.

      Deliciousness.

  3. Wow… Not once. Not twice. THRICE on your ass! Hahahaha tears are streaming down my face over this!! Gross and hysterical!!

    In other news the coconut balls look delicious!

  4. Can’t handle this smelly man. When you fart in public & others start to react, YOU HAVE TO REACT TOO!!! It’s the only way to save face.

    Also, squatting with the barbell is the best thing to ever happen to my behind. Go on with your bad self. & your protein balls. 😉

  5. Wow Dana! What a story. I don’t know if I could have continued sitting next to that guy. I think I would have moved after the first pass. Lol!

    These protein bars look delicious. I’ve made similar ones in the pass. The ingredients I use are chia seeds, flaxseed, raw oatmeal, honey, coconut flakes, almond butter, and chocolate chips. Yum!

    You are inspiring me to hit the gym. Unfortunately, all I’ve been doing is walking 4 days a week but it’s time to up my game.

      1. You’re welcome, it’s like the dessert version of yours. Love that you took a screenshot! I know it will turn out great. 😀

  6. Good GOD, Dana!!! How did you not get up and move??? LOL! I believe in God, and I respect my elders, but when a person who’s dressed funny sits next to you on an empty subway car, bible in hand, underlining everything??? I’m sorry – but he’s a weirdo.

  7. 1. Laughing, hard. Goodness it’s good to be back.
    2. This happened – albeit only once – in yoga yesterday. The one older woman in the class just ripped a big, smelly one and I of course was behind her in down dog.
    3. You take the T to the gym!?!?! I am very impressed at your motivation.

  8. Girrlllllllllllllll, you had me in the office with tears in my eyes. LOL @ “Hard boiled eggs in a ******* outhouse”. You are too funny! But that is rude. He could have said something. You are better than me. You are a TRUE soldier.

    In other news (as I’m literally laughing out loud- fart story), this recipe looks really good! And once again you have me laughing…. “15, 16, 17, 17, 17.” I needed this laugh. Thank you for sharing the recipe and the stories! BTW, I’m proud of your commitment to working out.

    1. You know it was the fact that he didn’t say shit…like it didn’t just happen, that kept me there.
      Like I was gonna see this thing through if it fucking killed me.

      And thank you, glad my horror was able to bring some laughter t0 your monday ❤ ❤

  9. Hahahahahaha! OMG! Spit my beer out on that one. I could have given that old codger a run for his money. Good thing I wasn’t there or you would have been either passed out…or in stitches from laughter. But we both know how I feel about public places. 😉

  10. ooooooh the deliciousness of all of this, the photos look fantastic. I want some, I gave up on the gym completely, I’m now trying this new thing where I eat everything and I magically lose weight, Hopeful. No success story yet, but hopeful.
    LOL. You have the funniest stories. Hahaha words can’t describe. Was it like big loud rips or just those really silent ones? LOL Maybe he had broccoli for breakfast instead of eggs? Broccoli has been known to be worse than eggs. lol i think i just made that up.

    I feel like I can smell it. HAHAHA I’m sorry Dana. But this did make me laugh.

    Back to The protein balls, are they super sweet?
    must. have. a. lot. of. sugar -ET VOICE-
    I’m tired, it’s been a major long ass day, hope you are well, wishing you no more farts:P
    x

    1. Thank you!
      They were those silent killers than hiss when they come out.
      And I don’t give FUCK what he had! You hold that shit in like a gentleman.

      The protein balls aren’t excessively sweet but you can of course adjust that by adding more agave/honey.

      xoxox!!

  11. Poor guy has to have been mentally ill or something. But I do appreciate you wanting to get it back at him.

    Seriously, what’s with all the farting?! I can’t stop myself these days, and it’s not the best thing to pass gas next to my man – so not sexy, but it would be really worse if he’s in a competitive mood so he could fart me into oblivion. Is it the fucking food?! I should really stop eating so much cabbage and greens.

    As for the squating with weights, I’ve found it to be the number one way to tone my body in all the right areas. Squating really does nothing for me but weights are a whole different story.

    P.S. That title ‘protein balls’ got me thinking about the fact that sperm is actually a great protein so there might be a slightly different kind of protein balls on my radar. (WHAT THE HELL, PMS IS A WEIRD WEIRD PLACE!!!)

    1. *jaw drop*
      Yeah…go get laid. Go let your man put in work because you got sex on the brain like no other right now lololol.

      And you’re right!
      Something about adding weights makes squatting MUCH more effective.
      Like a whole new fucking ball game.

  12. Ewwwwwwww, I can’t even imagine! And to fart multiple times, shame on him. Thou shall not pass unholy rotten egg gas on public transportation.
    Now on to your balls!lol I l’ve been looking for a great protein snack for mid day and this recipe hits the spot😋😋

    xo, Jackie
    stylemydreams.com

  13. OMG. YOU’RE HILARIOUS. It was REALLY hard for me to not laugh out loud when I was reading this post. I’m really more of a pilates and cardio kinda girl, but maybe you’re onto something… might have to pick up those dusty weights off the floor sometime.

    1. Giselle, girl when I tell you I was going THROUGH it that day.
      *shaking my head*
      It was like nothing I’ve ever smelled before.

      And the weighted squats work great if your ass is a problem area (I mean that in the nicest way, I swear) or if you want to tone it up more.

      If you’re already lookin good and feeling good, then keep doing what you’re doing because it obviously works.
      Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke 😀

  14. HAHA, I love that you got it all out. Next time, hopefully there won’t be a next time with this jackass… But next time, after you fart, whisper or not, ask him if he smells popcorn. Watch him ingest a giant gulp of air and wait for it to end him. LOL. I’m very proud of you.

    These protein balls look awesome and I’m gonna take them for a test drive. Well done m’lady! XOXO

  15. Oh lady, that old fart was literally an old fart and therefore the Worst. But! Yay on taking up squatting–it really is awesome and I would also suggest adding deadlifting in if you’re not already as that also helps with reducing the cellulite and building a solid ass. Keep at it!!

  16. LOL – this story is too funny. Old ppl don’t give noooo fux.

    Thanks for the tip about squats too. And these protein balls look so fire. This post gave me allll the life – such a great morning read.

Go on, get it out..

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