Last week I was on the train, headed to the gym and it wasn’t really crowded.
Like there were a bunch of people on the train but there was decent enough space between all of us to make everyone still feel comfortable.
So the train pulls up to a stop, people get off, people get on, and this guy gets on and sits next to me.
This old man, thin as a rail with an ‘I Love Jesus’ hat and khakis on.
So he’s sitting next to me and I see he’s reading this religious book and I see him underlining every fucking sentence in it and like writing shit down next to me.
I’m not uber religious or anything but I do believe in God so no big deal.
So anyway, this old man and I-
We’re like shoulder to shoulder on this train and I thought, “You know what? I bet he’s a great guy. I bet he’s a decent human being and reading this thing keeps him that way so God bless him, good for him.”
And right I end this positive thought, all of a sudden, this fucking guy lets out this old man fart that smelled like words can’t even describe!
Just imagine farting in an attic.
It was like moth balls, old toys and dirt.
Just the greatest generation fart of all time and I’m like oh my GOD!!!
I didn’t even try to hide it.
I literally said OH MY GOD and pulled my t-shirt over my nose.
And what does this guy say?
He doesn’t even address it.
I got another 15 mins on this train and he doesn’t even. Fucking. Address it.
It eventually goes away, like all farts do and I get back to whatever it is I’m doing that gets me through train rides.
Couple stops later – he does it again!
Just rips another one.
And I’m like Dude what the FUCK!?!!
I’m staring daggers at the side of his head and I know he can feel me staring right at him but he won’t fucking look at me.
And he’s still underlying all this shit from his Jesus book and I’m just sitting here like, you gotta be fucking kidding me!
Hard boiled eggs in a fucking outhouse.
And don’t even try to be like, well maybe it wasn’t him.
I fucking know it was him.
You know how I know it was him?
Because the smell was so fucking bad and he was the only one not reacting to any of it.
I don’t know if he was turning the other cheek like that book probably told him to do (no pun intended there) but I am 99% sure that it was him, that motherfucker.
Like this would be acceptable in a cross-country train, Boston to DC or some shit like that but we’re on a subway train that’s not all that crowded and I got about 7 mins left till my destination – this was un fucking acceptable.
We get to the next stop AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOES IT AGAIN!!
THREE FUCKING TIMES!
At this point, I’ve been on this train for about 15 mins and now I gotta fucking fart.
So I’m like, Alright! You wanna play old man, you wanna DANCE!!?!
But I couldn’t get myself to fucking do it.
My body just wouldn’t produce more than a whisper.
And yeah I thought about changing seats but we were past that.
I was at the point where now I wanted him to fucking address it.
I needed him to fucking address it.
I don’t care if he fought in WWII!
If he wasn’t on the front line with a fucking flame thrower, fuck him.
And every time I looked at him like what the fuck is wrong with you, I’d see his I LOVE JESUS sign on the corner of his hat and have to restrain myself.
But I swear I wanted to fucking grab his throat and pull him towards me like listen you fucking piece of shit-
I’m onto you.
We both known goddamn well you’re the one causing this stink and if you don’t cut this shit out-
I swear to God after that third one I thought he shit his pants.
But if he shit himself, the goddman windows of the train would have fucking blown out-
Alright Dana, we get it!
So yeah these protein balls.
These protein balls are moreso for me than they are for you.
Because I’m back in the gym, squatting it out, building that booty, toning leg muscles and shit and nothing builds muscles better than protein.
And you want to build muscles because muscles burn more fat and burn it longer than just cardio and pilates.
Trust me on this.
A couple months ago, my best friend Keegan let me tag along with him to the gym and made me do a bazillion squats with a barbell of weights across my back.
I thought I was going to fucking DIE.
“15, 16, 17, 17, 17 -”
That’s fucking 19!
“That’s 17 cuz you’re not going all the way down.”
The fuck kinda math is that!?!
“Squat honey, go all the way down, c’mon.”
2 weeks of this HORSESHIT and my cellulite – gone.
Ass – high, and round as fuck, you’ve seen it.
And that’s because I’m building muscle.
Which is burning off the fat in that problem area like a goddamn wildfire.
So I’m making him and the rest of the boys these protein balls.
For us to munch on as snacks during the day so we can kick some ass in the gym later.
Where I will probably repeat this old man story because it’s still bothering me.
This makes about 12 golf ball sized protein balls.
Peanut & Almond Butter Protein Balls
What I Used.
8 heaping tsp Protein Powder (I don’t picture mine because fuck them – they’re not paying me). 4 heaping tsp Flaxseed Powder. 8 tbsp Almond Butter. 8 tbsp Peanut Butter. 2 tbsp Blue Agave (substitute honey). Coconut Flakes for toppings (substitute cocoa or crushed nuts).
What I Did.
In a med bowl, mix together the protein powder, flaxseed powder, peanut butter and agave in a bowl.
Roll tablespoons of the mixture in your hands to form balls.
I chose to make half with the Almond Butter and half with the Peanut Butter but you can mix and match if you’d like.
Coat the balls in your choice of toppings
This helps them hold their shape and stop them from getting too sticky.
Place them, spaced evenly apart on a sheet of wax paper.
Let’s get the Rye out the way.
When done, refrigerate for 30 minutes to harden a bit.
Store in an airtight container.