Ever been in an airport terminal and there’s some fucking douche talking loudly on his cell phone?
Of course you have.
I was talking to my mom the other day, wishing her happy birthday.
She’s traveling again so it took a while to get a hold of her but eventually I did and she was telling me how great her trip was and all I could think about was why don’t I ever get those great flight experiences, you know?
Listening to her reminded me of this flight I took to Ohio last year.
I’m at the terminal, waiting to board and this fucking douche is talking on his cell phone, LOUDLY.
This enormous black dude is just yelling on his cell phone.
He had to be from England or something because he sounded like he’s out of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and not only is he tall, but he’s fat as fuck.
A small mountain, if you can picture that.
Just enormous all around, which is making me laugh because everybody in Europe acts like they’re smart and in shape but this guy looked like –
You know that show, the spin off from Family Guy, The Cleveland Brown show?
He looks like his son.
He looks like Cleveland’s son except he’s tall and talked with an English accent.
But he had the fucking round glasses, the shirt that barely covered his belly button, the whole goddamn thing.
He was like Chicago fat except he’s European, so he still had to wear those tight fucking jeans.
I don’t know what it is about Europe and fucking suffocating your balls but Europeans… the jeans can not get any tighter.
They just cannot be fucking tight enough.
It’s like they have to frame their package.
Their goddamn units look like Han Solo’s face when he gets frozen in that little piece of fucking carbon or whatever the fuck it was from The Emperor Strikes Back.
Anyways, so he’s running his stupid yap, “Yeah mate, going over to Melbourne. After that going back over to fucking ..” who gives a fuck.
Just talking, talking, talking.
So I get up and walk away from the guy.
But he’s one of these guys who takes a little stroll while he yaps and he strolls into my area.
And I’m telling myself, calm down Dana, don’t start screaming and yelling, just put your headphones on and relax.
They finally start loading the plane.
I get on the plane and here comes that fucking douche.
Still talking, right?
“Yeah yeah, good day mate, yeah yeah…”
So he comes walking up the aisle, he’s still running his fucking mouth and I’m sitting there going, shiiiiiiiittt!
I’m telling myself to be patient with him.
Be patient Dana, wait till he goes by. It’s done when he goes by.
You won’t have to listen to him for another 5, 4, 3……..
And the motherfucker is in my row.
He is in my goddamn row.
Somebody, for the love of god, what is the name of that phenomenon?
50 goddamn rows and not only is he sitting in my row but he’s sitting next to me.
And he stays on the phone the whole fucking time until we take off going, “yeah man yeah, watching telly..”
The whole goddamn time.
There’s gotta be some physics behind that, some kinda cosmic energy or some shit, right?
The one thing I will give him though is that he never said hello.
We didn’t speak the whole flight and I loved it.
I love that he was as self involved as I was and the last thing I wanted to do was start talking to him because he already annoyed the shit out of me.
And I know from experience that if I’m going to talk to someone from another country, at some point they’re going to shit on the United States and I don’t think I would have had the…the grace…. that a conversation like that with a guy like this would have required me to have.
They would have had to turn the goddamn flight around if he talked to me.
If anyone knows what that phenomena is called, I’d love to know.
Let’s get back on track here…
I think I mentioned to someone I was gonna do another Valentines Day rant but I really don’t need to.
You already know what you need to do.
Go out on like the 17th, or the 19th, or even the 21st.
Don’t go out right before, go out after.
I say this every fucking year.
Just wait like two, three days after, when you can get a fucking reservation.
When you can go to the restaurant you want to go to and they haven’t jacked the prices up through the fucking roof.
Enjoy that day with some dignity.
Or here’s a good one –
Since women don’t really get their guys anything for Valentines Day, if there are any men reading this, I suggest you don’t get your wife shit either.
Just take her out to dinner and fucking leave it at that.
And if she starts going like, I thought you were going to get me something because it’s Valen – just point out the she stands up for feminists which requires equal treatment and you already bought her dinner.
Asian Noodle Bowl
What I Used
¼ cup Peanut Butter (chunky or smooth). ¼ cup Water. 3 tbsp Sesame Oil. 2 tbsp Rice Vinegar. 2 Garlic Cloves (diced). 3 tbsp Sesame Seeds. 1 tbsp Fresh Ginger (finely minced). 1 tbsp Red Pepper Flakes. Salt. Pepper.
3 Chicken Breasts Fillets. 2 small handfuls Pasta Noodles (I used quinoa noodles but you can use any kind you want). 2 small Yellow Peppers. 2 Small Red Peppers. 1 small Habenero Pepper. 1 small handful Basil Leaves. 1 large handful Cilantro Leaves.
What I Did
Make the sauce by combining together the peanut butter, water, sesame oil, rice vinegar, garlic and ginger in a blender.
Blend until smooth.
Sprinkle in the red pepper flakes and sesame seeds and adjust seasoning salt & pepper.
Rinse and pat-dry the chicken and season both sides with salt & pepper.
Heat some olive oil in a large pan and add the chicken.
Saute each side until its lightly golden, then add in a third of the peanut sauce and 1/3 cup of water in the skillet with the chicken.
Reduce the flame to medium and cover.
Add the noodles to the bowl of diced veggies and pour in the remainder of the peanut sauce.
Give things a good toss then add in the shredded chicken and a few more sprinkles of the sesame seeds.