Alright so this is kind of a weird post because I got my lighting wrong towards the end, resulting in a final picture that was just too fucked up to post.
So when it comes to the sauce and its presentation, sorry this is one of those when you’ll have to use a little imagination.
It’s lowkey annoying the shit out of me too.
Anyway a couple weeks ago, one of my mentors was in town for a couple days so we met up for a couple drinks and to catch up before he left.
I really love hanging out with my mentors, it give me a chance to let my hair down, get out all my woes, seek counsel, the whole deal.
You honestly have to be a pillar of the earth to put up with my shit so I always try and take them out whenever they’re in town.
So whatever, we decide to meet at this sort of divey bar near his hotel.
We’re sitting there, shooting the shit, having a great time, and this big guy walks in.
And by big I mean BIG.
Thighs and ass…big mothering hips too.
Puts it on like Oprah.
So he sits down at the bar stool, just off the shoulder of my mentor, with his back to us.
It’s really not a well-lit bar, like I said, divey, and he’s sitting there and I’m sorta looking at him because he’s got this weird design on the back of his jeans and I keep squinting my eyes trying to get a better look at it like, what the fuck is that?
Is that like a new style of jeans?
Remember those bedazzled jeans everybody was wearing like 10, 15 years ago, looked like you had a horseshoe on your pockets?
Back then the big thing was to have the white stitching.
The jeans were blue and the stitching in the back was all white, remember that?
That’s what this guys jeans reminded me of, except not quite.
So I’m sitting there going, what the hell is on the back of this guys jeans?
It’s like.…almost like he ordered custom pants and they put this design on them, right?
I’m trying to figure it out so I looked a little closer, my eyes adjusted a bit more…..and I realized it was his hairy ass crack.
I couldn’t fucking believe it.
I was mistaking a denim design for the top of his fucking ASS, crack.
I apologize for putting this fucking image in your head, but he was white and it was hairy and I immediately thought it was one of those old school designs –
I’m telling you…
This guy sat down and just the top of his ass crack was like twice the size of my whole ass crack and it was hairy.
My mentor caught my eye and when I told him what I saw, he was howling louder than I think I’ve ever heard him laugh.
I just kept saying, how could there possibly be more ass crack?
I kept trying to figure it out but there was nothing between my two ears that could make sense out of it.
He just had one large ass for a man.
Like the amount of ass crack coming out of this guy, it could literally be a unit of measurement.
You could measure distance by the size of this guys ass crack.
Dude he hit a homerun 7 asscracks over the fence, can you fucking believe it, SEVEN asscracks!!??!!
Cauliflower Steaks and Basil Cream Sauce
What I Used
2 Large Cauliflower Heads (or 3 Med ones). Olive or Coconut Oil (for sauteing and roasting). Salt. Pepper.
1 cup Heavy Cream (sub coconut cream). 1 Large Handful Fresh Basil Leaves. Salt. Pepper. [Fine Mesh Sieve.]
What I Did
Can I just say how much fucking fun I had playing with this purple cauliflower! Like I almost didn’t cook it.
I just wanted to keep a bunch of it around the house and call it decor.
And now I made a cream sauce here but this can really go with any steak sauce since when you cut and cook cauliflower this way, the texture is very similar to steak.
Preheat the oven to 375F
Place the cauliflower on a cutting board, stem down, so you’re cutting from the top of the head.
Or not – I just found cutting it this way keeps the slices more intact but do what works for you.
Cut finger-sized thick slices.
Don’t discard the florets that break apart when you cut the slices!
Preserve them for later use.
I mean just think how pretty they’d be when mixed with other things.
Purple cauliflower soup, purple cauliflower rice, roasted with a bunch of other yummy veggies…don’t you dare fucking waste them.
Roast for about 15 min or until the thickest part can be easily penetrated with a fork.
Pay attention though – you don’t want it to get too soft. Just firm enough, alright?
Serve by placing the cauliflower medallions in the middle of a plate and spooning the sauce around it.
This is the part you have to use your imagination on…