Cauliflower Steaks and Basil Cream Sauce

Alright so this is kind of a weird post because I got my lighting wrong towards the end, resulting in a final picture that was just too fucked up to post.

So when it comes to the sauce and its presentation, sorry this is one of those when you’ll have to use a little imagination.

It’s lowkey annoying the shit out of me too.


Anyway a couple weeks ago, one of my mentors was in town for a couple days so we met up for a couple drinks and to catch up before he left.

I really love hanging out with my mentors, it give me a chance to let my hair down, get out all my woes, seek counsel, the whole deal.
You honestly have to be a pillar of the earth to put up with my shit so I always try and take them out whenever they’re in town.

So whatever, we decide to meet at this sort of divey bar near his hotel.


We’re sitting there, shooting the shit, having a great time, and this big guy walks in.
And by big I mean BIG.

Thighs and ass…big mothering hips too.
Puts it on like Oprah.


So he sits down at the bar stool, just off the shoulder of my mentor, with his back to us.

It’s really not a well-lit bar, like I said, divey, and he’s sitting there and I’m sorta looking at him because he’s got this weird design on the back of his jeans and I keep squinting my eyes trying to get a better look at it like, what the fuck is that?

Is that like a new style of jeans?


Remember those bedazzled jeans everybody was wearing like 10, 15 years ago, looked like you had a horseshoe on your pockets?

Back then the big thing was to have the white stitching.
The jeans were blue and the stitching in the back was all white, remember that?

That’s what this guys jeans reminded me of, except not quite.


So I’m sitting there going, what the hell is on the back of this guys jeans?

It’s like.…almost like he ordered custom pants and they put this design on them, right?
I’m trying to figure it out so I looked a little closer, my eyes adjusted a bit more…..and I realized it was his hairy ass crack.

I couldn’t fucking believe it.

I was mistaking a denim design for the top of his fucking ASS, crack.


I apologize for putting this fucking image in your head, but he was white and it was hairy and I immediately thought it was one of those old school designs –

I’m telling you…
This guy sat down and just the top of his ass crack was like twice the size of my whole ass crack and it was hairy.


My mentor caught my eye and when I told him what I saw, he was howling louder than I think I’ve ever heard him laugh.
I just kept saying, how could there possibly be more ass crack?

I kept trying to figure it out but there was nothing between my two ears that could make sense out of it.
He just had one large ass for a man.


Like the amount of ass crack coming out of this guy, it could literally be a unit of measurement.
You could measure distance by the size of this guys ass crack.

Dude he hit a homerun 7 asscracks over the fence, can you fucking believe it, SEVEN asscracks!!??!!
















Cauliflower Steaks and Basil Cream Sauce

What I Used

2 Large Cauliflower Heads (or 3 Med ones). Olive  or Coconut Oil (for sauteing and roasting). Salt. Pepper.
1 cup Heavy Cream (sub coconut cream). 1 Large Handful Fresh Basil Leaves. Salt. Pepper. [Fine Mesh Sieve.]

What I Did

Can I just say how much fucking fun I had playing with this purple cauliflower! Like I almost didn’t cook it.
I just wanted to keep a bunch of it around the house and call it decor.

And now I made a cream sauce here but this can really go with any steak sauce since when you cut and cook cauliflower this way, the texture is very similar to steak.

Preheat the oven to 375F

Place the cauliflower on a cutting board, stem down, so you’re cutting from the top of the head.
Or not – I just found cutting it this way keeps the slices more intact but do what works for you.
Cut finger-sized thick slices.
Don’t discard the florets that break apart when you cut the slices!
Preserve them for later use.

I mean just think how pretty they’d be when mixed with other things.
Purple cauliflower soup, purple cauliflower rice, roasted with a bunch of other yummy veggies…don’t you dare fucking waste them.


Heat 2 tbsp of olive or coconut oil in a large sauté pan and place the cauliflower slices in it.
Turn the flame to med-high heat and sauté each side for 3 min or until golden brown.

If the sauté pan is oven-proof, place it in the oven to finish cooking.
If the sauté pan is not oven-proof, transfer the slices to a foil-lined baking tray, then place in the oven to finish cooking.
Roasted _cauliflower_medallions

Roast for about 15 min or until the thickest part can be easily penetrated with a fork.
Pay attention though – you don’t want it to get too soft. Just firm enough, alright?

While the cauliflower is roasting, make the cream sauce by combining the basil and cream together and blending.
Filter through the fine mesh sieve and adjust seasoning with salt and pepper.

Serve by placing the cauliflower medallions in the middle of a plate and spooning the sauce around it.
This is the part you have to use your imagination on…


Imagine a beautiful, creamy, light green sauce spooned around the cauliflower steaks in a half-circle.
Pretty, right?
Ugh – I really wish I had final presentation pictures.

56 thoughts on “Cauliflower Steaks and Basil Cream Sauce

  1. Always, always, always say “no” to crack. Especially with lots of hair. I almost want a picture of that, except… no… no, I really do not want a picture of that.

  2. 😂 What a description of that poor man’s behind ! Perhaps your contacts were a little dried out where you thought it was sparkles !?!?! since when do butt hair’s SPARKLE Sister that is one for the record books 😹😹

  3. I will be horrified by that image for the rest of the day. (Fortunately the rest of the day is not very long.) Seriously, though, I feel like this needs to go into the canon of cautionary tales of looking too close at something and not liking what you see. 🙂

    I need to give cauliflower a fair shot–I hate broccoli, but I like cabbage, and they are all basically in the same family (and therefore really good for you.) Why is it that you post a cauliflower steak recipe and I’m intrigued, and I see Valerie Bertinelli does the same thing on the Food Network and I roll my eyes? I’m guessing it’s because she’s boring as hell and wouldn’t recount a story about staring at a downy ass-crack! 🙂

  4. Okay firstly….. that dude, and that picture which was planted in my head…not cool, but hey, it is not your fault, stuff happens.
    Thank goodness for that purple cauliflower !!!! How divine is that ??? – Awesome !!!! I have to find a purple cauliflower. I am so making that with the sauce !!!! 🙂 Have a good one !!!!

  5. Can ass crack also be a measurement of time….like, I just laughed for a good 3 ass crack minutes at this story? Purpleicious cauli…love….purple snap, just roasted some purple carrots tonight. Can totes imagine that sauce.

  6. Sorry you were subject to the horror that is a hairy crack. I’m terrified for you. Basil cream sauce sounds like something I definitely want on my body.

  7. OMG! LMAO!! Thanks for the laugh! I’m sure your mentor was throughly entertained! lol
    I love cauliflower!!! And this recipe sounds delicious, and easy to make. Weird question but is cauliflower expensive out there? Here it’s like $7.99/kg. Stupid right?! Winter prices😡

    xo, Jackie

  8. Truth time: I sort of love that your photo didn’t turn out. Before that sounds really shitty, hear me out. Sometimes it is easy to look at those you admire and think that everything they do is perfect and effortless and they never F up or struggle. If the kick-ass blogger babe Dana can have a photo not turn out perfect (like every other photo she uploads) then I feel like there is balance in the world and it gives me hope!

    That said, I bet you’re crazy and the photo was great. Have I told you lately that I love you? Just checking. ❤

    1. Hahahaha!!!
      Awww, no you haven’t but now you haaaaaave 😀 😀 😀
      Thanks boo ❤

      Sadly, it ain't all gravy.
      Sometimes it just is what it is and you gotta work around it. I hate those days because then I have to write REALLY well.
      Lots and lots of love your way too babe!

  9. Hilarious….and….disgusting at the same time! Can’t beat that!! In regards to the photos – they’re gorgeous – absolutely loving that purple cauliflower! And maybe you could make it again some day, take a great photo of the finished product, slip it in here and make a reference to it in another post – I for one will take a second look just to see it in all it’s glory! 🙂 🙂

  10. OMG! This reminded me of the woman at the gym in the sauna… (poking my mind’s eye out).

    Pretty cauliflower! I’ve never seen it in other than white at the store. Ya know, the sauce shot is like the supreme part of the food porn world. Just sayin…. (snort :D)

    1. Hahaha!!
      I can’t believe you remember that story! Hairy naked ol lady.
      Just letting it all hang out, legs open like a karate kick

      And I know! My sauceeeee!!! Wah!!!
      *snort snort*
      😀 😀

Go on, get it out..

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s