Let’s talk about something in the news, shall we?
“Texas student attacked by chimps improves.”
Thank god he improves.
This poor fucking bastard, he’s an animal ranger and he loves animals.
This is the thing about animal lovers;
Once you get past a certain type of domestic animal and you get into the wild….it doesn’t matter how much you love them, they’re not gonna love you back.
Wild animals are like that dick you shouldn’t have gone out with when you were younger.
That person who just an asshole to you, that person who took you for granted, basically didn’t have your back.
Wild animals do not have your back.
Your dog has your back.
Your cat – borderline.
Cats kinda have that creepy kind of vibe that if shit went left they’d side with the intruder, you know what I mean?
They don’t have any fucking say, they’re like a stepford wife.
Alright, so this student from Texas, this poor bastard WAS on the other side of the cage, the human side, he just got too close.
That’s how fucking insane a wild animal is.
Chimpanzees they say, have the strength of 6 men.
This dude got attacked by 2 chimps.
That would be like getting attacked by a flash mob.
These chimps fucking grabbed this motherfucker by his ankles, they reached underneath the fence –
I don’t know what kind of bullshit cage they had them in but this guy’s on the other side of the cage, the people side of the cage, probably trying to teach them sign language or some shit like that and you know they’re just sitting on the other side going, two more inches, just two more inches…
And they reached underneath, grabbed him by his fucking ankles….strength of 12 men….. they pulled him right underneath that goddamn thing.
They dragged him for like another 2 kilometers, however fucking far that is, I don’t know.
In my world, what’s that like….a mile and quarter? Who gives a fuck.
They dragged this sonofabitch basically through the length of every football stadium in the NFL and I can guarantee if wasn’t the nice turf that these athletes play on.
This was natural habitat.
Like imagine the vice grip strength….
Those fucking things… man they’ll rip your foot off, they’ll rip your balls off, they’ll rip your face off.
They’ll rip it off like you open a goddamn cup of yoghurt.
They’ll do that to your face, what the FUCK are you doing near these goddamn things??
Jesus Christ, I would have two tranquilizer guns and I would be wearing one of those suits you wear, you know the chain-link ones you wear like when you’re gonna get bitten by a shark?
And not only that, these weren’t regular chimps, the ones swinging around eating bananas, occasionally eating another monkey alive – this wasn’t that shit.
These were ones that had been abused.
They were already fucked with.
I adopted an abused cat in the past and having to put up with the schizophrenic shit that thing put me through – like I can’t fucking imagine…
Strength of 12 goddamn men and you’re gonna walk near the cage, trying to sign, “hey, how about this weather, Frank?”
Or whatever goddamn human name you gave him.
You’re out of your fucking mind.
But I mean god bless him.
Your hearts in the right place.
Fortunately he didn’t have too great of damage to him inner organs but this dude was in so much fucking shock…
Just treating you like a fucking ragdoll….I swear that is the most horrifying shit, nature.
Dude if you were in a room with a chimp and that thing goes ape shit, no pun intended, I mean that thing is on the wall, the ceiling, it’s across the room, it’s like a comet.
And you’re sitting there dealing with human speed.
Geeeeeet the fuck out of here.
What I Used
1 or 2 Salmon Fillets. 1 large Handful Asparagus. 5 or 6 Cherry Tomatoes (halved). 1 large Handful Bok Choy. 1 Lemon. 1 small Red Onion. Salt. Pepper. Olive Oil.
What I Did
This is like the absolute perfect spring lunch.
It’s light, no dishes to wash, it’s healthy as fuck and it’s prettttty 😀
It’s a no brainer – get with the program.
Preheat the oven to 375F.
Rinse and pat-dry the salmon fillets.
Tear off a wide strip of tinfoil.
Chop the white bulbs off the bok choy and place on the tin foil.
Lay the salmon on top of the bok choy.
1 salmon fillet to each strip of tinfoil.
Season the salmon with salt, pepper and a light drizzle of olive oil.
Finely slice the onion and lemon.
Chop the tips off the asparagus and halve the cherry tomatoes.
Bring the edges of the tinfoil together covering the salmon and place on a baking sheet.
Bake at 375F for 15 min or until the salmon is cooked through.
You can probably tell this recipe is one from the archives from the picture quality but whatever.
It is what it is.
Sometimes you gotta party first, cook later.